i permit you to call me
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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