She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
