I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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