I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
