You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
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When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
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i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just high enough for therapy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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