I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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