Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
