so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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