Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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