It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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