Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
