you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
