Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
