i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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