this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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