you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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