Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
In America we eat man semen.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
