and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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