You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
