He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
