You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
