im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
