The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
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you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
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I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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