Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my shit smells like andre
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
