Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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