What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
