god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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