Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
