Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
