My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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