the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
