i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't deserve a penis
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
