I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
