meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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