I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
