Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize