I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
