farters have to be the big spoon...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
