i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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