i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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