Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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