last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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