I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
