K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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