I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
