moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
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i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.