He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed