By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??