Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.