Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.