What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
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ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
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I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house