I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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