you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
