A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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