Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
