no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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