peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I did not marry a roomba.
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