he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
